Try Softer: Confessions of a “Try Harder” Woman 

Somewhere deep inside, I believed that if I just tried hard enough, I could control my body and what I could get it to do for me.

But that mindset created a disconnect between my body and my mind. My Inner Critic became the dictator of my body—loud, demanding, and completely lacking compassion.

Confession #1: Trying Harder Was My Superpower

For most of my life, my strategy for handling hard things was simple: try harder.

• Work harder.
• Push through.
• Do more research.
• Be more disciplined.
• Figure it out.

If something wasn’t working, my instinct wasn’t to step back. It was to lean in with more effort. Somewhere along the way I absorbed the message that if I just tried hard enough, I could solve almost anything.

And to be fair, that strategy worked for a long time.

Until it didn’t.

When fibromyalgia entered the picture, my usual approach—push through, climb over, double my effort—stopped working the way it always had. In fact, the harder I tried, the worse I often felt.

That’s when I began learning a lesson many of us resist at first:

Sometimes the path forward isn’t to try harder. Sometimes the invitation is to try softer.

Confession #2: When “Try Harder” Stopped Working

I’ll be honest. I still don’t love that last sentence. For someone with a rather passionate (intense), studious (perfectionist), willful (stubborn) personality, “trying harder” has served me well for most of my life.

Trying harder helped me do difficult things:

• Complete college while working and raising a family
• Navigate my child through years of cancer treatment and recovery
• Build a nonprofit from the ground up

When things got difficult, trying harder helped me push through when quitting would have been easier.

Then my body fell apart. And still… I tried harder.

But this time the strategy wasn’t serving me. I kept rising from the ashes only to crash again. The cycle was exhausting and discouraging. Eventually, I began to see the root of the problem: control.

Somewhere deep inside, I believed that if I just tried hard enough, I could control my body and what I could get it to do for me.

But that mindset created a disconnect between my body and my mind. My Inner Critic became the dictator of my body—loud, demanding, and completely lacking compassion.

Realizing that toxic inner dialogue led to my next step.

Confession #3: I Held a Retirement Party for My Inner Critic

Yes, you read that correctly. I held a retirement party.

My best friend and I met over Zoom with mocktails in hand. We gave toasts to my Inner Critic and officially gave her permission to step down from the role she had held for most of my life.

It may sound a little silly. But I needed a moment that marked the shift toward something softer.

I also wanted to acknowledge that my Inner Critic had served a purpose. That loud, driven voice helped me accomplish many things when I needed grit and determination.

She got stuff done.

But the approach I needed to care for my body now required a different voice—one that was still motivated, but far more compassionate.

Confession #4: Learning a Softer Way

The truth is, I still struggle with the softer approach.

My instinct is often to return to the familiar comfort of intensity. When I notice that happening, I pause and ask myself what a softer, more sustainable approach might look like.

For me, trying softer looks like this:

• Staying focused on my wellness path: It’s easy to jump from one new solution to another. I still try new products, gadgets, and exercises—but I do so one at a time and with intention.
• Trusting my doctor: I don’t say this lightly. My doctor is brilliant, a fantastic listener, and very accessible. And still, relinquishing control can be hard. Years of trying to figure everything out myself left their mark.
• Choosing curiosity instead of reactivity: When something flares or doesn’t go as planned, I have learned to ask, “What is my body trying to tell me?” instead of immediately pushing harder.
• Starting the day with movement and sunrise: Most mornings, I choose gentle movement and the quiet of the early morning instead of jumping straight into work.

These choices may look small, but together they represent a very different relationship with my body.

Confession #5: The Surprise—It Actually Works

Here’s the surprising part: Trying softer actually works.

Since shifting to a gentler, more sustainable approach, I feel better. I’m more reliable. I’m able to work more consistently. And most importantly, I enjoy my life more.

Trying harder once helped me accomplish many things. 

But learning to try softer has helped me live better.

Action Steps: Gentle Ways to Begin Trying Softer

1. Notice when you slip into “try harder” mode: The first step toward trying softer is simply awareness. Pay attention to the moments when your inner voice starts pushing: Do more. Push through. Figure it out.

When you notice it, pause and ask yourself one gentle question: “What would a softer approach look like right now?”

Sometimes the answer might be rest. Sometimes it might be doing the task more slowly. And sometimes it simply means speaking to yourself with a little more compassion.

2. Practice curiosity instead of criticism: Many of us living with fibromyalgia have a loud Inner Critic that quickly jumps in when our body doesn’t cooperate.

Instead of reacting with frustration, try getting curious. Ask yourself:

• What might my body be trying to tell me today?
• What does support look like right now?

Curiosity creates space for connection between your mind and body—and that connection is where healing often begins.

3. Don’t try to do this alone: Learning to try softer can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve spent years being the strong one who pushes through.

That’s exactly why community matters.